Chapter 6- Listen to my Cries

I cried for help in silence…

Some family members and friends would tell me, “Kim, you’re too beautiful for him.” Some would say, “What are you doing with him?” Honestly, I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew he wasn’t right for me. I knew he wasn’t the man (boy) I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I tried picturing us with children and marriage, BUT couldn’t see it. He slowly became a routine. A toxic person in my life who was GREAT at manipulating and controlling situations.

Here I was, this insecure woman who was called all the names in the book from hoe to bitch. He changed me for the worse. I started attacking back and allowing myself to get out of character. I stopped allowing Marc to bring me down without a fight. I called him names on the daily and told him he ain’t shit, but at the end of the day, I didn’t want to be that mean person. I just had ENOUGH. So many nights I cried and would go about my day smiling because I was too embarrassed to let anyone know how hurt and stuck I was. I know what you’re thinking, ” He didn’t hold a gun to your head. So why not leave?” Well, the answer is: he didn’t hold a physical gun to my head. It was more of a mental thing. Think about it this way… He planted a seed in my head to have me think that I wasn’t good enough and no one would want me, but him.

I prayed many nights; for years, asking God to save our relationship. I never understood why Marc couldn’t be loyal to me or why I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. There I was accepting and loving his child out of infidelity, helping him financially, accepting all of his flaws and then some. I KNEW I was a good woman! FINALLY, after years and years of betrayal, I changed my prayer and asked GOD to remove Marc from my life. All the signs were there, I just needed that push.

Slowly, Marc started to notice that I didn’t want to be bothered with him. I’d find reasons to be busy, I didn’t want to be touched, picked up shifts at work, deleted his pictures on my instagram and I finally started going out with friends more although, this started many fights and accusations. Once upon a time, Marc had a hold on me. The table was finally about to turn.

Lesson to be Learned

Sometimes we think that we can change a person or they’ll learn to appreciate us, but in reality, dealing with a person who is a manipulator or grew up on survival rather than love won’t open their eyes to see how AMAZING WE/YOU are. No matter what you’ve accepted from them, they will remain selfish. I hate that saying, “through thick and thin.” You can probably see why. I used to believe in that saying until there were way too many “THICKS.” NOTHING and I mean NOTHING THICK is worth your dignity and your self-love/worth. Love yourself first! Know your worth! Listen to the signs and open your eyes.

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

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