I DO!

Who would have thought? I married my best friend. Not the girl one, but the guy one (haha). We had many talks about if this is something we thought would work for us. For some, marriage is just a paper, for others, marriage is sacred between you and God. For us, yes it was spiritual, but also about being a partnership and teammate.

As I shared before, Richard and I had a baby a few months into dating. We worked on our relationship and dated each other all while raising our son through a pandemic. Although I was happy, I felt things and people in my life drifting away from me. BUT, Richard… I fell even more in love with this man as I got to see how much of a wonderful human being he is. He made sure I didn’t need or want for nothing. He has always encouraged me to get out and enjoy life. Not to mention, he continues to encourage me to grow my business and pours into it as much as I do. He pours into me.

It’s been 5 months since we said I do. Has marriage been easy? It hasn’t been hard. I think the reason why that is, is because we communicate every chance we get. Do we annoy each other? Sometimes. What fun would it be if we didn’t? We have a lot of room to grow together. We encourage each other to grow individually and as one. This is something we speak on often to make sure we are on track. Accountability is important to us.

Do I still have triggers because of my past? absolutely. I do not hide this. If anything, I openly tell my husband that something has triggered me. It could be as little as me not answering his call and I’m thinking he’s going to flip out on me. If you know Richard, you know that he is definitely not that kind of person. Richard is a beautiful person, a wonderful friend to have and selfless.

If I could give the younger me a hint about my future… I would say, “sis, you have a healthy, beautiful family.”

I thank God for the lessons in my past. I forgive those who wronged me and I thank God for giving me the gift to love and be loved.

Well well well…

God had other plans. From “The Single Life with Kim” to “The Momma Life with Kim”.

Richard and I were dating, both made it clear that we were dating with a purpose. There were some things that kept standing in the way of us making anything official. I was hard headed (still am) and he was always right (rolls eyes). We just couldn’t see eye to eye… This lasted for less than two months… In my mind, I was like well, there are other fishes in the sea… if he ain’t it, oh well… I kept dating other people, but secretly wanting to pursue something more with him.

Richard and I left our situationship on bad terms, but that’s a story for another time…

My best friend celebrated her birthday in Vegas and boy did we have a good time. I thought “my poor kidney’s”, but in reality, who knew at that moment of being a bad *shut your mouth* I was pregnant. It was a matter of weeks that I started feeling sick after attending a friend’s wedding, with my bestie Laury. I blamed it on food and alcohol for a whole week before taking 6 pregnancy tests later that week and that’s when I felt my WHOLE WORLD crashing down on me. Here I am, pregnant, not planned, with no man by my side, and scared to death. Over and over I kept thinking… I f*d my life up. I didn’t know what to do. I cried and cried to myself before typing in, on my phone “abortion clinics near me”. The very first person I told was my brother. He asked me “What are you going to do?” All I could say was ” I can’t do it”. He watched me cry and said “Kim, if you decide to have this baby, I will be here for you, and if you decide that you won’t go through with it, I will still be here, but remember, you are almost 30. The fear you have is telling mom and dad and you’re no longer a kid”. What a wise man! He was right.. I never wanted my parents to be disappointed in me. I decided to tell a friend and she supported me to the abortion clinic.

There I was, sitting next to a row of women, young and old. All of us deciding the same thing, to terminate our pregnancies. I finally decided as I sat there, crying, to text Richard and tell him that I was pregnant and that I wasn’t going to go through with it. Immediately, he called me over and over. So many signs to get up and leave, but my mind was all over the place. I kept ignoring his calls because I didn’t want him to fog my thoughts. After my first visit, I scheduled the procedure for the following day ( I had to speak to a counselor prior to making my decision). My thoughts and my fear took over completely. Richard convinced me to meet up with him to talk about my decision.

We met in a parking lot and I cried my heart out. At this point Richard laughs, then smiles and says ” I’m so happy.” I’m like WTF…. I’m not (lol). He then expresses to me that he manifested what he wanted and that was me and a family. I then knew that this man who wanted a family, love and loyalty was what I have been looking for. That was when we decided to do this together. Here we were, pregnant and dating. Now it was time to tell our family….

Richard was the sweetest. He coached me on how to tell my parents since I was so scared lol. Once I went home, my mom was on the couch, on facebook, in such a great mood until I told her I was pregnant. I’m such a goof ball that she didn’t believe me at first, until my facial expression said it all. She was not happy, nor mad. She just couldn’t process how I waited until 29 to screw up. It was then time to tell my dad. All he said was “What are you going to do?” I got tired of hearing that question from people and started saying “I don’t know.” I knew though. As I walked away, my dad said ” we’re going to have a baby in this house.” I knew he was happy. Eventually a few days later, my mom and I had a deep conversation (that’s another story for another day) and she accepted and was so happy to be a grandma, finally. I’ll leave you with this… My parents told me to not worry about no man, that they would help me and I didn’t need the man’s help. Little did they/we know… Richard would love me and his child like no other.

As I share this story with you, I also share that Richard and I have officially made 1 year together with our now 4 month old baby. Crazy huh? lol. We laugh about it now, but God does things for a reason and I am so happy that I did not follow through with the abortion. I gained a beautiful baby boy, a beautiful man who would do anything for us.

Happy 1 year Anniversary baby! I love you and thank you for all that you do for us !!!

Let’s talk…

Has anyone ever approached you and told you they were dating or sleeping with your man/woman? or better yet, what about running into the “other” woman/man in public, just to find out they’re dating too. This one though… has anyone ever popped up on you while you were on a date, just to catch their lying boyfriend? I definitely should have my own Tele Novela (lol) aka soap opera, because I’ve been in these listed positions lol.

 

Story time

There was once a day I had to bail Marc out of jail. Yes, I was the ride or die type lol. Little did I know, I would be meeting the “other” chick. I left work and headed to pick Marc up, but somehow missed the memo that he had to pay county and city bail. While waiting outside for hours, I met another woman who was also waiting on her “boyfriend.” We spoke and tried to kill time, but I ended up having to go back to work. Before leaving, we exchanged numbers just in case one of us ran into the group of men, including “our” boyfriend who were scheduled to be released. Once my work day was over, I contacted the woman to see if she heard of anything about her boyfriend being released… that is when she said HIS name>>>>

 

My heart dropped!!!! I then started asking her a slew of questions to find out how they met and how long they’ve been messing around; she then went from saying boyfriend to friend. There I was… acting shocked as if I didn’t already know how much of a snake my “boyfriend” was. In our conversation, this woman expressed that she has been around his best friend and his home. Telling me things that got him caught red handed.  I was so heated that I encouraged both of us to drive (separate cars) to his house only to extend the drama of not only the fact that Marc wasn’t released, but the infidelity. I went straight to the source: Marc’s mother.

Back then, I was naive, gullible and insecure. His mother and hell, even his family watched women come in and out of their home and smiled in my face, yet… I still kept going back- toxic much? uhhh yea.

Back to the story- of course the family was telling me they never met this new woman. Of course his family sided with him and claimed this woman to be crazy, that he was not cheating. Since I had paid for Marc’s bail, I asked his mother for my money back… told them that the new b* could help him pay for it (she gave me my shit back lol). Later that day, Marc called me…. boy was I waiting for that call… cursing him out and sending him straight to hell. There I was… being naive and gullible AGAIN… It must have been 3 or 4 in the morning when Marc was knocking at my front door, begging my mom to let him talk to me. Side note- my mom hated him, so that was a no go for her. AND… of course once he called me enough times, after being rejected from seeing me, I ANSWERED. He begged, pleaded and expressed that I was “trippin,” saying that the woman was lying and TA-DA… next thing I know, a random woman calls me after I hang up on Marc. The woman expressed by saying  “I’m sorry I lied about me dating and sleeping with Marc.” After the fighting, yelling and crying….Guess who stayed in that toxic ass relationship?… Yep, ME.

Lesson to be Learned

It’s pretty self explanatory while reading this story. The signs are always there. Follow your gut feeling, because one thing I’ve learned, it never fails you. The pattern a person expresses to you will show if there is someone else. The way you get them, is the way you’ll lose them. From the very beginning, I saw the signs, but ignored them. Don’t let that be you.

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

From having moments of listening to “Can’t Raise a Man” by K.Michelle to “Stay” by Sugarland, it’s reminded me that I seem to welcome”troubled” men. Not purposely, but hey, being a “therapist” for people tends to be the trend for me. Be a shoulder to cry on they say. Have an open ear they say. Listen with a heart they say. Well, I say “RUN.”

There’s nothing wrong with having a good heart or empathizing with others. The problem lies where many of us (myself included) want to “help” and be there for people. The dangerous part is not by intent, but encouraging the opportunity for someone to use you and strip your kindness away. Eventually one gets tired and it’s down hill from there. What’s that “thing” that allows you to listen to a song over and over again? oh, yea, REPEAT… So….it doesn’t go well with one person, what happens next? You try again, same story different person. Again, REPEAT. This is the cycle some of us can’t break. It’s called ” Good heart syndrome.”

We all attract different kinds of people. For example, I attract men who are either still dealing with the pain of a breakup, just became single and/or men who don’t want anything but “friendship.” What a waste of time right? Exactly. It took me a while to understand why I attract those kind of men. I’m nice, caring, loving, selfless, great listener and hell… a hopeless romantic. It’s definitely beneficial to a person who only wants your “friendship,” but with the extra perks of course (wink wink).

So how does one not get caught up in a cycle of becoming the BAIT ? Being vigilant from the beginning of getting to know someone. Ask the proper questions that will get to the bottom line of what the other person is wanting and be clear of what you want. The tricky part is actually listening to what they want, even when they say… “JUST a FRIEND.” Don’t think for one second that you’re special enough to change their mind (I have done this and have failed every time). Listen and walk away, save yourself the trouble of getting disappointed.

If you find yourself in a “just friends” situation, believing that it could be more, take a look at the hints you are given. Some example of hints that you may hear or have heard are: you’re a great listener, I can always count on you, you’re such a great friend, i enjoy our friendship, I don’t see you like that….Hell anything that has those words “friends” in a sentence. My advice…. Don’t waste your time.

You are beautiful and kind.

-Kim

 

 

 

 

 

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

Have you ever been on the other side? Being the other woman/man? Not the side chick or dude, but the one who was/is in the shadow of another person? Well, I have. Instead of us taking time to heal , AND I mean like REALLY take time to heal from pain and hurt that we have endured in our previous relationship/s, we jump into another relationship or situationship thinking we will fill that void. Just by taking time to properly heal can prevent a lot of hurt from happening. According to Cosmopolitan there are 7 stages to coping with a break-up. Hope this helps… They include: Denial, Anger, Sadness, Jealousy and Competitiveness, Apathy, Acceptance and Hope.

Too many times I’ve gone on dates just to hear that the guy is recently single. Although there is no time to get over your previous relationship, I am an avid believer that there’s a proper healing process. How does it feel to be the other wo(man)? I mean, to be the  “NEW” wo(man) who is totally different from the previous one he/she dated for years: from their looks, the way they dress, their accent, their smile, their intellect, and the list goes on.

We wonder why we’re insecure at times, why we’re ready to run after the first red flag, and why we can even be competitive towards someone we don’t even know; It’s because sometimes the people we date aren’t ready. They’re not taking the time to LOVE themselves and to HEAL. So how can we expect them to show us the proper love WE need? Jumping to the next isn’t going to fulfill your needs, it isn’t going to mask the fact that you are hurting… and yes, it sucks, but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (cliche, but true). All this does is create a space for a rebound and/or friend with benefits.

Sometimes being the “other” is simply being with a woman/man who rushed themselves to move on from the pain that hasn’t been dealt with. For me- this is a red flag. I think it’s important that when we are being looked at, we aren’t being compared to or tweaked like their last. You are an individual, you are unique and no one in this world is like YOU!

Piece of advice

For those who are considered “the other,” listen to the signs. You’ll hear it in your conversations, you’ll feel the vibes and you’ll notice pattern changes. For those who are the ones not ready to move on…it is OK. Take the time to love yourself and love yourself well. All you’ll do is lead the RIGHT person wrong, get their hopes up and most of all, hurt them.

 

 

 

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

Now that you’ve gotten to know my dating life a little better, I can now give you advice through my personal experiences.

Denial wasn’t something I dealt with after leaving Marc, it was while dating him that I was in denial (lol). I can laugh about it now, but lord knows I was blind. I didn’t want to believe that he was cheating and playing me. I wanted to believe that he would change because I was a loving, supportive and a loyal girlfriend. Boy was I wrong. The signs were always there. For instance, Marc would pick fights with me, just to disappear and not have to talk to me for the rest of the day or even for the rest of the week. I NEVER wanted to believe that he was up to no good. Another example of denial that I experienced was him locking and turning over his phone so that I couldn’t see who was texting or calling. If this is happening to you… I’m more than certain your partner is doing something they shouldn’t be doing. The phone was ALWAYS an issue… I learned that Marc was saving these “chicks” names under “dude” names- slick Rick lookin ass lol. Like I said… I can laugh about it now, but at that time, it was not only hurtful, but embarrassing.

Remember when Facebook was first introduced? Well, I had one until I was manipulated into deleting my account. Apparently, we were NOT going to do social media at all. Looking back at it, this was a serious form of manipulation. This man never deleted his account, he only deactivated it when I was around. Now, when Instagram came out, I expressed how I was thinking about getting one and that turned into a HUGE fight. According to him, I was trying to be seen and be a HOE out here. Thanks to my best friend, I found out he had an account, so I FINALLY opened one AND ohhhhh boy did that start DRAMA- yet, here he was hiding and lying. This dude had over 1500 followers and majority were WOMEN. He wanted to control me, have my passwords and of course, he had me place my account on private. In Marc’s eyes, every time a guy commented under my pictures, it meant I must have screwed him. I would delete comments just to avoid fights, but there he was, receiving heart eye emojis and kisses.

Let’s get into the topic of posting your significant other on social media. Marc made ONE post of me…. and I mean ONE picture of me in the 9 plus years of us dating. Yet, he would get upset if I didn’t post him on a regular. His argument was that I was trying to hide him and I didn’t want these “dudes” knowing I was in a relationship. I’d post him, but then there he was… being a snake; so, being young, I’d delete his pictures when I got mad. So that ONE picture he posted of me, eventually got deleted. lol. This topic, in my opinion, I feel is 50/50. If I am dating someone and I really care about this person and love this person, I will post him. I understand that some people won’t post their significant other because they don’t want people in “their” business AND I’m all for that in the beginning of your relationship. Eventually, I believe, naturally, you will want to show your BAE off. Remember, there are men and women in this world that DO NOT give a damn if you are taken or not and will approach you. So, hiding the fact that you are with someone (long term) won’t make a difference.

Piece of advice

Learn from my mistake/mistakes. I share this with you in transparency. We all have had that naive/gullible moment, some longer than others. The signs are there! It is up to you to open your eyes and know your worth. For those who haven’t dealt with manipulation, a habitual liar and/or a controlling person, don’t judge your friend in need. You never know someones story until they are ready to be TRANSPARENT with you. Open your heart and ears… LISTEN without judgement.

 

Let’s talk….

Have you ever listened to a song that reminded you of your ex? The song you took a break from listening to because it made you cringe? Well, I’m over that stage. BUT… the stage I was NOT expecting ,was…. the “running into him” in public ‘”stage”. Living in Houston is so small and big at the same damn time and I KNOW you understand what I’m talking about.

GALentine’s Day with one of my faves….

So, I have this “thing” about holiday’s. I am NOT spending it with just anyone. If I’m in the middle of getting to know someone, I’ll let them know that I only do gift exchanges with the person I’m exclusive with. Now that I made that clear, it’s time I tell you what happened… My friend and I planned our evening going to a bar after we exchanged gifts. Once we made it, we searched for a place to sit…AND then, that’s when my heart dropped. I look over to see MARC out on the patio; my initial reaction was to leave. Let me explain the feeling- it wasn’t the I missed him feeling, or that I still cared for him; it was the feeling of remembering the agony he brought me. My lovely GALfriend supported me when I said “chocha, we have to leave.” In that very moment, as I walked towards the exit door, I snapped out of it. It’s been nearly 3 years since that ship sailed. I shook it off and I did something even better! Wait for it…

Let’s take a second to recap on MARC’s personality. He was a manipulator, very controlling, and a GREAT liar. As MARC sat in the same lounge chair, where we would sit at , facing the sliding door. I noticed that he was with another chick who wasn’t the girlfriend (oops, yes I said it). I made sure my entrance was on “point.” Matter of fact, I made sure he saw me CLEARLY. I sat adjacent from him so he would get nervous. Petty much, right? I know, but ya’ll have to understand… I came so far from the pain, I had to let him see that I am the shit (lol). MARC looked like he was about to shit on himself. I’m not sure if it was because he saw me or the fact that he was up to no good and got caught.

I used to think that if I caught someone out with another “female” that it was my place to tell the girlfriend what I saw. Girl code right? Naw, been there, done that. I had friends, family, coworkers and other women reaching out to me about Marc playing the field and I still stayed with him and made excuses for his snake ways. So, when my friend asked me if I was going to mention this to his girlfriend (the chick he cheated on me with), I was like NOPE, not my problem anymore. Being in MARC’s presence while wearing what he would have not approved of or even walking with so much confidence was all I needed. EYES were on me and I loved it! Happy Valentine’s Day lol

Sweet and Short…

I say all this to say… don’t allow someone to still have a hold on you. Walk with your head high and smile; you deserve to. Enjoy the process of being single and learn to love yourself; I promise, being single is NOT a disease. You are important, a precious jewel, and a strong, courageous individual. If you run into someone you have history with, remind yourself of your importance and hell… i can’t stress this enough…walk with confidence, even if you aren’t. Fake it til you make it! Don’t hide from him/her or feel you are NOT strong enough to be in their presence. Remember, that chapter is OVER. His/Her loss, not yours. Ohhh, and one more thing… remember…

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

     And then there was one…

Once again, the time to heal was obviously NOT something I took serious. That same year of my breakup with Marc, I took a leap of faith and jumped into a “courtship.” I knew “James” since middle school. Flames were sparked when we saw each other at a party. Right away we hit it off and exchanged numbers. We both jumped ship too fast and started dating right away.

James had a daughter who was so precious and loving. He was definitely the kind of father you’d want a man to be to a child, especially to a little girl. I spent my afternoons with both of them; playing games, watching movies and just spending quality time. He even met my parents and they loved him, and he loved them. What more could I ask for?

I asked James for dates, solo time, quality time between just US. Eventually, that was hard to get because he was a full-time dad. I felt bad and disloyal because here I was, seeing their relationship and saying to myself, “if I was to have a relationship with a man who has a child, he is what I’d be looking for.” Yet, I don’t have children, so I couldn’t adapt to the family life. Several times I approached James with the “let’s go on a date or I need dates” conversation, but it was always something. He couldn’t give me that and after expressing my concerns with him over and over, I got tired of it and decided to end things between us. It wasn’t easy to do because I actually cared for them very much, but I wasn’t ready to jump into being a part of their family. He was looking for a mother figure for his daughter and I was looking for a full-time boyfriend, who could potentially be my husband one day. Of course I understood that his child came first, but that’s why I had to leave. At the end of the day, I wasn’t ready to accept that.

AND two…

Months and months later as the summer approached, I went on a date with this guy… we’ll call him Randall. Randall and I followed each other on SnapChat for over a year, but never had a conversation until one day when he messaged me. We exchanged numbers and chatted for a little over a month before actually meeting up. He lived an hour away, which he claimed it wouldn’t be an issue. Overtime, little by little, I started seeing the flaws that I just found so unattractive. He started complaining about finances and his gas tank. OMG! Gas tank???really??? I know what you’re thinking… why the hell would he claim distance wasn’t an issue? I started feeling like a burden and once I felt that way…it’s a done deal.

One day I met him “half way” to a bowling alley. While in line, he started complaining about the prices… YES! I said it… So, as my blood was boiling, I finally said, “I don’t want to bowl anymore.” He made me feel like I was obligated to pay because HE was in a tight spot, so I ducked out and NOT once did he ask me “are you sure you want to leave?” Mind you, I am not opposed to doing something inexpensive; especially if it’s romantic. As we drove off in MY car to find something else to do… he offered to go grab a bite to eat, even though he claimed he wasn’t hungry. I was craving Dairy Queen, so as you see, I didn’t even choose an expensive restaurant. We order our food through drive thru and as we drove up to pay, Randall turns his head away when the total was given. I didn’t say anything, I went ahead and reached over for my wallet and paid for our food. I know what some of you are thinking… “KIM, I would have said hey, you gonna pay?” In reality I wasn’t about to fight about $14. As we drove off, my mood changed and it was downhill from there.

After that night, I wasn’t acting the same. I stopped answering calls and I started being “DRY.” Something didn’t feel right, so I typed his name into google AND found some information on him that was VERY shocking. He had a past that he did NOT disclose to me. It was definitely the icing on the cake. Once I approached him about it, he kept saying that “it’s old.” BUT to me, it wasn’t old enough; It was a RED flag. Coming from an abusive and toxic relationship, I already had/have my radars in full effect.

I now disclose to you that he was in the reserve, which was perfectly fine to me, but he had PTSD. So from the beginning of our “courtship,” I accepted his mental state since his PTSD wasn’t shown to be severe, until I started noticing his patterns of aggression, including his past conviction… So, the little voice in my head wasn’t so little anymore. It screamed “RUN.”

In the mist of all this DRAMA going on, someone popped back up into my life after 6 years of no contact. His name is CHANCE.

 

Lesson to be Learned

It’s simply said, but hard to follow through… heal before jumping into something you’re not ready for. Get out of the thought that you have to be with someone because that is what you’re used to. Take time for yourself, love yourself and it’s ok to be selfish. It’s ok to NOT accept what’s being offered to you in a courtship. It’s ok to be picky. Did you hear me? I said… IT’S OKAY TO BE PICKY. Now don’t confuse picky with being shallow. Make sure you state what you expect and want in the beginning, that way there’s no confusion.

For those who are/were in a toxic relationship, don’t be afraid of the word SELFISH. IT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY to be SELFISH, especially if you NEVER got the chance to be. When I say SELFISH, I don’t mean in a negative way. Your safety and security IS important. Wherever you stand in life at this point, it is ok to put yourself first. For example:  I happily disclose to any man I meet that I AM SELFISH right now. I don’t have kids and I don’t have extra drama (previous relationships hindering over me) going on in my life, so if “he” has a lot going on in his life or even has a child/children, A. he’ll know he’s not fit for me or B. he will share that he can balance a dating life. Once again, it is OKAY to be SELFISH!

 

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim