The Woman On the Other Side of the Mirror- Part One

Let’s talk…

Has anyone ever approached you and told you they were dating or sleeping with your man/woman? or better yet, what about running into the “other” woman/man in public, just to find out they’re dating too. This one though… has anyone ever popped up on you while you were on a date, just to catch their lying boyfriend? I definitely should have my own Tele Novela (lol) aka soap opera, because I’ve been in these listed positions lol.

 

Story time

There was once a day I had to bail Marc out of jail. Yes, I was the ride or die type lol. Little did I know, I would be meeting the “other” chick. I left work and headed to pick Marc up, but somehow missed the memo that he had to pay county and city bail. While waiting outside for hours, I met another woman who was also waiting on her “boyfriend.” We spoke and tried to kill time, but I ended up having to go back to work. Before leaving, we exchanged numbers just in case one of us ran into the group of men, including “our” boyfriend who were scheduled to be released. Once my work day was over, I contacted the woman to see if she heard of anything about her boyfriend being released… that is when she said HIS name>>>>

 

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My heart dropped!!!! I then started asking her a slew of questions to find out how they met and how long they’ve been messing around; she then went from saying boyfriend to friend. There I was… acting shocked as if I didn’t already know how much of a snake my “boyfriend” was. In our conversation, this woman expressed that she has been around his best friend and his home. Telling me things that got him caught red handed.  I was so heated that I encouraged both of us to drive (separate cars) to his house only to extend the drama of not only the fact that Marc wasn’t released, but the infidelity. I went straight to the source: Marc’s mother.

Back then, I was naive, gullible and insecure. His mother and hell, even his family watched women come in and out of their home and smiled in my face, yet… I still kept going back- toxic much? uhhh yea.

Back to the story- of course the family was telling me they never met this new woman. Of course his family sided with him and claimed this woman to be crazy, that he was not cheating. Since I had paid for Marc’s bail, I asked his mother for my money back… told them that the new b* could help him pay for it (she gave me my shit back lol). Later that day, Marc called me…. boy was I waiting for that call… cursing him out and sending him straight to hell. There I was… being naive and gullible AGAIN… It must have been 3 or 4 in the morning when Marc was knocking at my front door, begging my mom to let him talk to me. Side note- my mom hated him, so that was a no go for her. AND… of course once he called me enough times, after being rejected from seeing me, I ANSWERED. He begged, pleaded and expressed that I was “trippin,” saying that the woman was lying and TA-DA… next thing I know, a random woman calls me after I hang up on Marc. The woman expressed by saying  “I’m sorry I lied about me dating and sleeping with Marc.” After the fighting, yelling and crying….Guess who stayed in that toxic ass relationship?… Yep, ME.

Lesson to be Learned

It’s pretty self explanatory while reading this story. The signs are always there. Follow your gut feeling, because one thing I’ve learned, it never fails you. The pattern a person expresses to you will show if there is someone else. The way you get them, is the way you’ll lose them. From the very beginning, I saw the signs, but ignored them. Don’t let that be you.

Hot Topic- Good Heart Syndrome

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

From having moments of listening to “Can’t Raise a Man” by K.Michelle to “Stay” by Sugarland, it’s reminded me that I seem to welcome”troubled” men. Not purposely, but hey, being a “therapist” for people tends to be the trend for me. Be a shoulder to cry on they say. Have an open ear they say. Listen with a heart they say. Well, I say “RUN.”

There’s nothing wrong with having a good heart or empathizing with others. The problem lies where many of us (myself included) want to “help” and be there for people. The dangerous part is not by intent, but encouraging the opportunity for someone to use you and strip your kindness away. Eventually one gets tired and it’s down hill from there. What’s that “thing” that allows you to listen to a song over and over again? oh, yea, REPEAT… So….it doesn’t go well with one person, what happens next? You try again, same story different person. Again, REPEAT. This is the cycle some of us can’t break. It’s called ” Good heart syndrome.”

We all attract different kinds of people. For example, I attract men who are either still dealing with the pain of a breakup, just became single and/or men who don’t want anything but “friendship.” What a waste of time right? Exactly. It took me a while to understand why I attract those kind of men. I’m nice, caring, loving, selfless, great listener and hell… a hopeless romantic. It’s definitely beneficial to a person who only wants your “friendship,” but with the extra perks of course (wink wink).

So how does one not get caught up in a cycle of becoming the BAIT ? Being vigilant from the beginning of getting to know someone. Ask the proper questions that will get to the bottom line of what the other person is wanting and be clear of what you want. The tricky part is actually listening to what they want, even when they say… “JUST a FRIEND.” Don’t think for one second that you’re special enough to change their mind (I have done this and have failed every time). Listen and walk away, save yourself the trouble of getting disappointed.

just friends

If you find yourself in a “just friends” situation, believing that it could be more, take a look at the hints you are given. Some example of hints that you may hear or have heard are: you’re a great listener, I can always count on you, you’re such a great friend, i enjoy our friendship, I don’t see you like that….Hell anything that has those words “friends” in a sentence. My advice…. Don’t waste your time.

You are beautiful and kind.

-Kim

 

 

 

 

 

Hot Topic- The Other WO(MAN)

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

Have you ever been on the other side? Being the other woman/man? Not the side chick or dude, but the one who was/is in the shadow of another person? Well, I have. Instead of us taking time to heal , AND I mean like REALLY take time to heal from pain and hurt that we have endured in our previous relationship/s, we jump into another relationship or situationship thinking we will fill that void. Just by taking time to properly heal can prevent a lot of hurt from happening. According to Cosmopolitan there are 7 stages to coping with a break-up. Hope this helps… They include: Denial, Anger, Sadness, Jealousy and Competitiveness, Apathy, Acceptance and Hope.

Too many times I’ve gone on dates just to hear that the guy is recently single. Although there is no time to get over your previous relationship, I am an avid believer that there’s a proper healing process. How does it feel to be the other wo(man)? I mean, to be the  “NEW” wo(man) who is totally different from the previous one he/she dated for years: from their looks, the way they dress, their accent, their smile, their intellect, and the list goes on.

We wonder why we’re insecure at times, why we’re ready to run after the first red flag, and why we can even be competitive towards someone we don’t even know; It’s because sometimes the people we date aren’t ready. They’re not taking the time to LOVE themselves and to HEAL. So how can we expect them to show us the proper love WE need? Jumping to the next isn’t going to fulfill your needs, it isn’t going to mask the fact that you are hurting… and yes, it sucks, but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger (cliche, but true). All this does is create a space for a rebound and/or friend with benefits.

Sometimes being the “other” is simply being with a woman/man who rushed themselves to move on from the pain that hasn’t been dealt with. For me- this is a red flag. I think it’s important that when we are being looked at, we aren’t being compared to or tweaked like their last. You are an individual, you are unique and no one in this world is like YOU!

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Piece of advice

For those who are considered “the other,” listen to the signs. You’ll hear it in your conversations, you’ll feel the vibes and you’ll notice pattern changes. For those who are the ones not ready to move on…it is OK. Take the time to love yourself and love yourself well. All you’ll do is lead the RIGHT person wrong, get their hopes up and most of all, hurt them.

 

 

 

Hot Topic- In Denial

Hot topic? Yep, let’s talk about it.

Now that you’ve gotten to know my dating life a little better, I can now give you advice through my personal experiences.

Denial wasn’t something I dealt with after leaving Marc, it was while dating him that I was in denial (lol). I can laugh about it now, but lord knows I was blind. I didn’t want to believe that he was cheating and playing me. I wanted to believe that he would change because I was a loving, supportive and a loyal girlfriend. Boy was I wrong. The signs were always there. For instance, Marc would pick fights with me, just to disappear and not have to talk to me for the rest of the day or even for the rest of the week. I NEVER wanted to believe that he was up to no good. Another example of denial that I experienced was him locking and turning over his phone so that I couldn’t see who was texting or calling. If this is happening to you… I’m more than certain your partner is doing something they shouldn’t be doing. The phone was ALWAYS an issue… I learned that Marc was saving these “chicks” names under “dude” names- slick Rick lookin ass lol. Like I said… I can laugh about it now, but at that time, it was not only hurtful, but embarrassing.

Remember when Facebook was first introduced? Well, I had one until I was manipulated into deleting my account. Apparently, we were NOT going to do social media at all. Looking back at it, this was a serious form of manipulation. This man never deleted his account, he only deactivated it when I was around. Now, when Instagram came out, I expressed how I was thinking about getting one and that turned into a HUGE fight. According to him, I was trying to be seen and be a HOE out here. Thanks to my best friend, I found out he had an account, so I FINALLY opened one AND ohhhhh boy did that start DRAMA- yet, here he was hiding and lying. This dude had over 1500 followers and majority were WOMEN. He wanted to control me, have my passwords and of course, he had me place my account on private. In Marc’s eyes, every time a guy commented under my pictures, it meant I must have screwed him. I would delete comments just to avoid fights, but there he was, receiving heart eye emojis and kisses.

Let’s get into the topic of posting your significant other on social media. Marc made ONE post of me…. and I mean ONE picture of me in the 9 plus years of us dating. Yet, he would get upset if I didn’t post him on a regular. His argument was that I was trying to hide him and I didn’t want these “dudes” knowing I was in a relationship. I’d post him, but then there he was… being a snake; so, being young, I’d delete his pictures when I got mad. So that ONE picture he posted of me, eventually got deleted. lol. This topic, in my opinion, I feel is 50/50. If I am dating someone and I really care about this person and love this person, I will post him. I understand that some people won’t post their significant other because they don’t want people in “their” business AND I’m all for that in the beginning of your relationship. Eventually, I believe, naturally, you will want to show your BAE off. Remember, there are men and women in this world that DO NOT give a damn if you are taken or not and will approach you. So, hiding the fact that you are with someone (long term) won’t make a difference.

Piece of advice

Learn from my mistake/mistakes. I share this with you in transparency. We all have had that naive/gullible moment, some longer than others. The signs are there! It is up to you to open your eyes and know your worth. For those who haven’t dealt with manipulation, a habitual liar and/or a controlling person, don’t judge your friend in need. You never know someones story until they are ready to be TRANSPARENT with you. Open your heart and ears… LISTEN without judgement.

 

Chapter 12- Flashback

Let’s talk….

Have you ever listened to a song that reminded you of your ex? The song you took a break from listening to because it made you cringe? Well, I’m over that stage. BUT… the stage I was NOT expecting ,was…. the “running into him” in public ‘”stage”. Living in Houston is so small and big at the same damn time and I KNOW you understand what I’m talking about.

GALentine’s Day with one of my faves….

So, I have this “thing” about holiday’s. I am NOT spending it with just anyone. If I’m in the middle of getting to know someone, I’ll let them know that I only do gift exchanges with the person I’m exclusive with. Now that I made that clear, it’s time I tell you what happened… My friend and I planned our evening going to a bar after we exchanged gifts. Once we made it, we searched for a place to sit…AND then, that’s when my heart dropped. I look over to see MARC out on the patio; my initial reaction was to leave. Let me explain the feeling- it wasn’t the I missed him feeling, or that I still cared for him; it was the feeling of remembering the agony he brought me. My lovely GALfriend supported me when I said “chocha, we have to leave.” In that very moment, as I walked towards the exit door, I snapped out of it. It’s been nearly 3 years since that ship sailed. I shook it off and I did something even better! Wait for it…

Let’s take a second to recap on MARC’s personality. He was a manipulator, very controlling, and a GREAT liar. As MARC sat in the same lounge chair, where we would sit at , facing the sliding door. I noticed that he was with another chick who wasn’t the girlfriend (oops, yes I said it). I made sure my entrance was on “point.” Matter of fact, I made sure he saw me CLEARLY. I sat adjacent from him so he would get nervous. Petty much, right? I know, but ya’ll have to understand… I came so far from the pain, I had to let him see that I am the shit (lol). MARC looked like he was about to shit on himself. I’m not sure if it was because he saw me or the fact that he was up to no good and got caught.

I used to think that if I caught someone out with another “female” that it was my place to tell the girlfriend what I saw. Girl code right? Naw, been there, done that. I had friends, family, coworkers and other women reaching out to me about Marc playing the field and I still stayed with him and made excuses for his snake ways. So, when my friend asked me if I was going to mention this to his girlfriend (the chick he cheated on me with), I was like NOPE, not my problem anymore. Being in MARC’s presence while wearing what he would have not approved of or even walking with so much confidence was all I needed. EYES were on me and I loved it! Happy Valentine’s Day lol

Sweet and Short…

I say all this to say… don’t allow someone to still have a hold on you. Walk with your head high and smile; you deserve to. Enjoy the process of being single and learn to love yourself; I promise, being single is NOT a disease. You are important, a precious jewel, and a strong, courageous individual. If you run into someone you have history with, remind yourself of your importance and hell… i can’t stress this enough…walk with confidence, even if you aren’t. Fake it til you make it! Don’t hide from him/her or feel you are NOT strong enough to be in their presence. Remember, that chapter is OVER. His/Her loss, not yours. Ohhh, and one more thing… remember…

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

Chapter 11- The Chance I Took

Well, welcome back Chance…

While I stayed out of reach, I received an open invitation for conversation the moment CHANCE made a post under my picture on Instagram, saying “Happy Birthday”. This is where I knew there was A LOT of explaining I had to do. I was nervous and scared to open up to the truth. The truth will set you free, right? Our conversation started off with messaging via Instagram, then to exchanging numbers and talking it out. I’ve always had a pride issue and apologizing was not an easy thing for me to do, once I got out of that toxic relationship. From start to end, I explained EVERYTHING. I opened up to CHANCE and found the courage to apologize for disappearing the way I did; after 6 years. This was my annoying high school friend, someone who I could count on and someone who cared a lot for me. It was the least I could do.

CHANCE and I continued our conversations that led to the simple things that made me smile and I loved it. This man was busy, very busy, but ALWAYS made time for me, even when he was exhausted from work. He’d call me and ask me where was I at and pop up just to hug me; He sent me edible arrangements at my job and send me songs that reminded him of me; that made my heart melt. The times he was tired, I’d go over to his place just to be in his presence while he slept. Crazy right? The same guy I had a chance with 6 years ago, was back in my life. Although he was the sweetest to me, I knew I had to gain his trust back. His concerns about me were normal. He didn’t know if I’d pull that same stunt on him again. I tried showing and vocalizing my feelings about how that wouldn’t happen again.

CHANCE and I told each other EVERYTHING, or at least I thought so. Here we were, telling each other we loved each other, yet no title. Here goes the confusion! Once I asked him, “what are we? What are we doing?” He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, so friends it was. Yet, friends don’t find themselves being intimate. Now that I knew Chance was stern about his decision on “US”, you’d think I’d back off and go my separate way. NOPE! In my mind, I talked myself into believing that God sent him back into my life because just maybe we were meant to be. I didn’t want Chance thinking I was going to disappear again, so I dealt with the yo-yo “relationship.” Slowly, Chance started to change. He didn’t call like he used to, he stopped making time for me and he stopped being the charismatic guy I loved. Yet, somehow for my birthday, a year later, he made it special for me with flowers, a card, gifts and wine. Talk about an emotional roller coaster; it’s like he knew how to turn the switch on and off, just enough to keep me around. Who would have thought that the last time we’d be romantic with each other was that day; my birthday. I reached out here and there throughout our “whatever you call it” phase. I finally got the courage to ask him, “why the change?” He replied “I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you that I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want to hurt you.” BAM! in my face. I once thought it was KARMA that caught up to me, but it wasn’t. This man told me from the beginning that he did NOT want a relationship. Here I was thinking that I was different. I mean, he did tell me he wouldn’t treat me like the “others” that he hurt. Welp, so much for being different. For a few months, I felt dumb and ridiculed as if I was being laughed at by the universe; my heart was broken. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…. that’s for sure!

 

Lesson to be Learned

Learn from my mistake. When someone tells you what they DON’T want, believe them. Stop thinking you’re different and that you can change someone’s perception of love, life or even about yourself. Sometimes, we want to be the person to fix it all and that’s impossible. Stop settling for less and shoot for MORE! That saying ” if it comes back to you, it’s yours forever,” take it lightly. Sometimes people come back just so you can clear your conscience or to close that chapter that was never properly closed. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want what you want. There is no order on when love comes to you in life, so stop accepting excuses on why NOW isn’t a great time.

 

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

Chapter 10- Modern Courtship

     And then there was one…

Once again, the time to heal was obviously NOT something I took serious. That same year of my breakup with Marc, I took a leap of faith and jumped into a “courtship.” I knew “James” since middle school. Flames were sparked when we saw each other at a party. Right away we hit it off and exchanged numbers. We both jumped ship too fast and started dating right away.

James had a daughter who was so precious and loving. He was definitely the kind of father you’d want a man to be to a child, especially to a little girl. I spent my afternoons with both of them; playing games, watching movies and just spending quality time. He even met my parents and they loved him, and he loved them. What more could I ask for?

I asked James for dates, solo time, quality time between just US. Eventually, that was hard to get because he was a full-time dad. I felt bad and disloyal because here I was, seeing their relationship and saying to myself, “if I was to have a relationship with a man who has a child, he is what I’d be looking for.” Yet, I don’t have children, so I couldn’t adapt to the family life. Several times I approached James with the “let’s go on a date or I need dates” conversation, but it was always something. He couldn’t give me that and after expressing my concerns with him over and over, I got tired of it and decided to end things between us. It wasn’t easy to do because I actually cared for them very much, but I wasn’t ready to jump into being a part of their family. He was looking for a mother figure for his daughter and I was looking for a full-time boyfriend, who could potentially be my husband one day. Of course I understood that his child came first, but that’s why I had to leave. At the end of the day, I wasn’t ready to accept that.

AND two…

Months and months later as the summer approached, I went on a date with this guy… we’ll call him Randall. Randall and I followed each other on SnapChat for over a year, but never had a conversation until one day when he messaged me. We exchanged numbers and chatted for a little over a month before actually meeting up. He lived an hour away, which he claimed it wouldn’t be an issue. Overtime, little by little, I started seeing the flaws that I just found so unattractive. He started complaining about finances and his gas tank. OMG! Gas tank???really??? I know what you’re thinking… why the hell would he claim distance wasn’t an issue? I started feeling like a burden and once I felt that way…it’s a done deal.

One day I met him “half way” to a bowling alley. While in line, he started complaining about the prices… YES! I said it… So, as my blood was boiling, I finally said, “I don’t want to bowl anymore.” He made me feel like I was obligated to pay because HE was in a tight spot, so I ducked out and NOT once did he ask me “are you sure you want to leave?” Mind you, I am not opposed to doing something inexpensive; especially if it’s romantic. As we drove off in MY car to find something else to do… he offered to go grab a bite to eat, even though he claimed he wasn’t hungry. I was craving Dairy Queen, so as you see, I didn’t even choose an expensive restaurant. We order our food through drive thru and as we drove up to pay, Randall turns his head away when the total was given. I didn’t say anything, I went ahead and reached over for my wallet and paid for our food. I know what some of you are thinking… “KIM, I would have said hey, you gonna pay?” In reality I wasn’t about to fight about $14. As we drove off, my mood changed and it was downhill from there.

After that night, I wasn’t acting the same. I stopped answering calls and I started being “DRY.” Something didn’t feel right, so I typed his name into google AND found some information on him that was VERY shocking. He had a past that he did NOT disclose to me. It was definitely the icing on the cake. Once I approached him about it, he kept saying that “it’s old.” BUT to me, it wasn’t old enough; It was a RED flag. Coming from an abusive and toxic relationship, I already had/have my radars in full effect.

I now disclose to you that he was in the reserve, which was perfectly fine to me, but he had PTSD. So from the beginning of our “courtship,” I accepted his mental state since his PTSD wasn’t shown to be severe, until I started noticing his patterns of aggression, including his past conviction… So, the little voice in my head wasn’t so little anymore. It screamed “RUN.”

In the mist of all this DRAMA going on, someone popped back up into my life after 6 years of no contact. His name is CHANCE.

 

Lesson to be Learned

It’s simply said, but hard to follow through… heal before jumping into something you’re not ready for. Get out of the thought that you have to be with someone because that is what you’re used to. Take time for yourself, love yourself and it’s ok to be selfish. It’s ok to NOT accept what’s being offered to you in a courtship. It’s ok to be picky. Did you hear me? I said… IT’S OKAY TO BE PICKY. Now don’t confuse picky with being shallow. Make sure you state what you expect and want in the beginning, that way there’s no confusion.

For those who are/were in a toxic relationship, don’t be afraid of the word SELFISH. IT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY to be SELFISH, especially if you NEVER got the chance to be. When I say SELFISH, I don’t mean in a negative way. Your safety and security IS important. Wherever you stand in life at this point, it is ok to put yourself first. For example:  I happily disclose to any man I meet that I AM SELFISH right now. I don’t have kids and I don’t have extra drama (previous relationships hindering over me) going on in my life, so if “he” has a lot going on in his life or even has a child/children, A. he’ll know he’s not fit for me or B. he will share that he can balance a dating life. Once again, it is OKAY to be SELFISH!

 

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

 

 

 

Chapter 9- Plenty of Fishes in the Sea

Let the dating begin…

So instead of taking time to heal, I went on a massive serial dating spree. My friends told me about POF (Plenty of Fish) and Tinder. My mentality change. I wasn’t in any place to be serious about settling down with anyone or allowing anyone to get close to me. I was in pain, but I took my pain out on other men, even good men. Yes, I said  it… GOOD men. There are some out there. I met men on these sites and allowed them take me out, even if I wasn’t interested. Then after the dates ended, I’d let them know I wasn’t interested. I learned to be cold and brutally honest (which is not healthy). Unfortunately, I don’t remember ALL of the dates I went on…but there were a few memorable ones.

POF date #1- My Very first date

After our online interaction, and getting to know each other, we made plans to go on a date. He seemed really nice and funny. I didn’t think that I’d like him, but it happened. Our first date was out to eat and to the comedy club. Perfect date, right? We laughed our asses off and he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. He was the guy everyone loved and wanted to be around (a social bug). After our first date, all I could do was smile as I drove away. Our second date was the next day. WOW! right? I thought “this could go somewhere.”  We went out to eat and went to the movies. I was fine with the movie date since we communicated well. He lived about 45 min from me, which was a concern, but we talked about it and agreed that it could work. Once the weekend was over, I received a long text that pretty much stated that he was not ready to be in a committed relationship and didn’t want to lead me on. Of course I was in shock. The dates and our conversations started playing over and over in my head. I got PLAYED. I got FRIEND ZONED. For the first time after breaking it off with my ex, I allowed someone in. I decided after this that I wouldn’t allow someone to get THAT close to me.

Memorable Tinder date-

I met this guy on tinder, who was in his mid-thirties, very handsome in pictures and seemed pretty cool. I didn’t take him serious since he gave me “I’m the shit vibes,” so that already was a turnoff, but hey, why turn down a date? I got to the sushi bar before he did, so I could have a drink to relax my nerves. No matter how many dates I went on, I couldn’t get used to the awkwardness of the initial meet. I saw him walking in and I first noticed his smile. So, about this smile of his… It wasn’t a pretty one. Not of my taste. So automatically I rejected him in my mind. BUT…what made me reject him completely was when he told me he still lived with his ex girlfriend AND…WAIT… she was pregnant. In my head I’m like wtf, see I gotta delete this app. How in the world does someone try to meet someone while having a situation going on back at home? Anyways- once we were done, he asked me when could we see each other again, and I said “honestly, you have A LOT going on, so this is it.” After I got in my car, I blocked him.

After going on several dates, and exchanging numbers, it finally hit me. I was unhappy and needed to learn to love myself again. I was battered, lost, hurt and not to mention, I was hurting others with my poor decisions. I felt that all men were out to hurt me and break my heart and that they only wanted one thing from me. So, I reversed the table and was the one playing with people’s hearts. It wasn’t fair to them, even if their intentions were wrong. This wasn’t how I was raised. This new Kim wasn’t ME; I finally understood what “hurt people, hurt people” meant. In a couple of months, after getting out of a bad relationship, every week, both weekdays and weekends I was going on dates like crazy; my parents were even concerned about me. I decided to take a break and sat down to reflect.

 

Lesson to be Learned

 

Dating can be fun, if you’re doing it the right way. State your intentions in the beginning and don’t lead people on. Karma is a bitch. If you’re just getting out of a relationship, it is important that you take time to love yourself, don’t get comfortable with the idea of having to be in a relationship. It is OK to be alone. The only way you can move on from previous pain or past relationship is NOT by rushing into something new, but to reflect on yourself. NOT all men/women are the same as your EX and NOT ALL are out to hurt you. If this is the mentality that you’re having, while dating…STOP right there and focus on dating yourself, believing in yourself and , most importantly, LOVING yourself. If you love yourself, no one can hurt you.

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

 

Chapter 8- Thank you, NEXT

THE END!!!

Boy oh boy, once I drove off, there was no turning back. “I know, I know… I know what you’re thinking. That I went back (eye roll). Well, I DIDN’T.” I drove straight home. My phone was blowing up…1, 2, 3…..times. When I got home, my mom was in the living room waiting for me, wondering why my brother left the house so late to tend to me. She asked me what was wrong (I was crying), I told her EVERYTHING that happened. That night I cried; that was the last night. My phone didn’t stop ringing, so I turned it off. Next thing I heard was my brother knocking on my door saying that MARC was blowing his phone up with text messages and calls.

MARC was a great manipulator, but NOT good enough to KEEP my attention. He had a “female” call me to play the “I’m sorry, I thought I was calling my HUSBAND, who also has the same name” role. I told the chick that she didn’t have to help him and that she could keep him because I didn’t want TRASH anymore (it wasn’t the girl he cheated on me with). Little did I know, I was going to be in hell for the next 2 weeks. MARC popped up at my job, which my boss, at the time expressed that I needed to take care of that situation off premises (how embarrassing??). He popped up at my home in search of me and/or whoever loved me (my brother and dad). He even called my best friend’s HUSBAND trying to explain what was oh so dead to me. On top of that, I couldn’t even drive my car (at the time I had a Toyota Corolla), MARC stalked me for weeks trying to “explain”. All the calls, emails and pop ups ended once MARC decided to take his trifling ass up to my mom’s job to “express” his love for me. If there’s one person who will fight for me that I can count on, it’s my MOM. My mom put him in his grave with her words. According to the conversation they had, he wanted to MARRY ME and take me to California to start a new life. He wanted my mom to accept him, but she told him the last words that would finally make him disappear, ” If you love Kim, let her GO! She deserved BETTER!” Side note- THANK YOU MOM!

After all of the hunting me down and trying to beg me to come back, I didn’t give in. I kept busy. My family at times did annoy me lol, but it was all out of love. Thanks to K.Michelle and her music which helped me with the grieving process, oh and Keri Hilson’s song, energy.  God placed people in my life at the right time to help me overcome this heartbreak. They reminded me of my worth and encouraged me to not go back, but that wasn’t going to happen- I was FED THE F UP with Marc. A few shout outs to the angels who helped me: Megan, Laury, Johanna, Zoleil, and Kalicia. You ladies are incredible! If it wasn’t for you ladies, I don’t know how I would have stayed so strong. MARC left his last farewell voicemail, which I did listen to.

The hardest part of a breakup isn’t the loving the person part, it’s the “BEING COMFORTABLE” part. I was comfortable, I didn’t know my self-worth, I didn’t love myself and I was with him for so long, that I didn’t know how to be without him. If you recall, in my first chapter, my first ex taught me those words (you can love someone and not be with them), I practiced what he preached. I forgot who I was; sad part is, I knew I didn’t want to marry Marc or even have children with him; he destroyed that sweet humble girl. Here I was in this cold world trying to be loved,but hating men, BUT still feeling like I had to be in a relationship, because that was all I knew. I hid my pain so that people would stop asking me if I was okay. I started going out A LOT; partying, drinking and went on a dating-spree. I look back and wonder how the hell did I have money to keep myself busy almost every day of the week lol. Hmmm, who knows? All I know is, I didn’t heal properly…

Lesson to be learned

Once a manipulator, always one. Be aware of those people in your life who always “turn the table” around on you. You are precious, you have support and love around you. Don’t listen to the broken promises he/she tells you. The signs are there, but it is up to you to acknowledge them. Think twice, three times, hell- just think! Think about your future with him/her and ask yourself if you see yourself with them. Know your worth, love yourself and talk about “it”. Many of us tend to not want to speak on pain, especially women/men of color. It’s okay to be sad, it’s the grieving process of things; follow theses steps and you will see the light: accept the breakup, detox and pursue self growth. JUST REMEMBER… YOU are NOT the only one who has dealt with/dealing with pain.

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim

 

 

 

Chapter 7- CAUGHT RED HANDED

He really screwed up this time!!!

Marc wasn’t too excited about me going out of the city without him, yet alone, the country. It was June of 2016 when I went to Honduras to visit family (after 10 years of not going) and felt the peace and happiness I longed for. I spoke to Marc here and there since I wasn’t around WIFI to call him freely, without being charged. While away, he tried giving me a hard time, but my spirit was calm and I was not concerned about how he felt. FINALLY! It took me going away and seeing a different lifestyle I could have to finally stop allowing him to dictate my life.

My vacation came to an end.

Once I got home, I knew Marc would want to see me and of course I had to go to his house because he wasn’t allowed over mine. We planned a date night the same day I landed back home in Houston. Unfortunately, I got sick and we have to postpone the date. Friday came and I was mellow about going out since I knew I’d be going “half” on our DATE. I called Marc to check and see if we were still on. A few calls later he finally responded and claimed that he was with his daughter and they were tired. Fishy huh? That’s what I thought; I said, “So are we not going out anymore?” He got super angry because I was apparently being selfish. So I apologized and told him not to worry, that we could go another day. BUT, I also let him know I was going out to dance with some friends (I knew he wouldn’t go for that). We argued for hours until finally he told me to get ready that we were going out. I expressed that I didn’t want to anymore, but THEN I was told I was being EXTRA and to hurry up and get ready.

Once I and I did say I…. went to pick HIM up after our long drawn out argument, my stomach was turning and I had a gut feeling he was up to no good. Marc got in my car and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “I don’t know what you’re up to or doing, but I have a feeling you’re NOT being loyal to me AND when I find out, I’m leaving your ass for good.” Do you know what he told me? He said I was TRIPPIN like ALWAYS… anyways… we got to the bar and had a good time; mind you, Marc and I got along when we were drinking. Once the bar was closing, he said he could drive since I was intoxicated. As we drove back to his house at 2 in the morning, we had to stop at a nearby gas station (down the street from his house). Marc’s dumbass threw up all over MY steering wheel and driver side door. At this point I was livid, but I wanted to get him home so that I could head home myself. I drove, in his throw-up and gagged the whole way home.

Once we got to his house, he ran inside and finished what he started in my car. I got him settled in bed and water to drink, I decided to leave him so he could rest. The ONLY problem was…. he LOST my car key. Then there it was…. HIS PHONE….IN MY CAR… the one he ALWAYS faced down when I was around, the one he kept locked and the one he changed contact names so I didn’t know which female he picked up that time. My heart never raced so fast, other than the time I found out he got someone pregnant. I picked up his locked iphone and tried to unlock it (I didn’t succeed). Thanks to the missed call notification on his screen, I swiped left and called “CHELC”, who called 3 times after 1am.

As the phone rang, the other person on the other line answered so seductively.  I gathered any and every information I could from HER as I walked back to his room. She told me that they were dating and I expressed that we have been dating for almost 10 years. Once I made it to Marc’s bedroom, he went from passed out to ALERT in 2.5 seconds. Marc got angry and snatched his phone from me asking me WTF did I think I was doing… while throwing his phone across the bedroom. I thought to myself, “I’ve seen this pattern too many times.” I told Marc that “WE ARE DONE.” That wasn’t the first time I said that, so of course he didn’t believe me. In the mist of all the drama, I texted my brother to bring my spare key. As he waited outside for me, I wanted 1 more finally EXIT… I left with a BANG! literally. I punched the shit out of him on his nose. Boy did it feel good. By this time, I stormed out of his house and started yelling and screaming like a mad woman. I told my brother, “BRO! BRO! this dude cheated on me AGAIN bro!” It wasn’t funny then, but it is now. My brother replied, “Kim, stfu and get in the car before the neighbors call the police on you.” I got in and LEFT………

Lesson to learn

I’ve done enough reminiscing on why I was so lost and foolish, but the reality is … when you’re dealing with a person who is a manipulator, it’s hard if your mind isn’t strong enough to know how to deal with people like that. So my advice is to be kind to yourself, love yourself and know your worth. Secondly, follow your gut feeling. We have been blessed with that intuition. Thirdly, don’t play the break up game, because when you finally WALK, he/she won’t believe you.

You are beautiful inside and out.

-Kim