Well, welcome back Chance…
While I stayed out of reach, I received an open invitation for conversation the moment CHANCE made a post under my picture on Instagram, saying “Happy Birthday”. This is where I knew there was A LOT of explaining I had to do. I was nervous and scared to open up to the truth. The truth will set you free, right? Our conversation started off with messaging via Instagram, then to exchanging numbers and talking it out. I’ve always had a pride issue and apologizing was not an easy thing for me to do, once I got out of that toxic relationship. From start to end, I explained EVERYTHING. I opened up to CHANCE and found the courage to apologize for disappearing the way I did; after 6 years. This was my annoying high school friend, someone who I could count on and someone who cared a lot for me. It was the least I could do.
CHANCE and I continued our conversations that led to the simple things that made me smile and I loved it. This man was busy, very busy, but ALWAYS made time for me, even when he was exhausted from work. He’d call me and ask me where was I at and pop up just to hug me; He would send me edible arrangements at my job and send me songs that reminded him of me; that made my heart melt. The times he was tired, I’d go over to his place just to be in his presence while he slept. Crazy right? The same guy I had a chance with 6 years ago, was back in my life. Although he was the sweetest to me, I knew I had to gain his trust back. His concerns about me were normal. He didn’t know if I’d pull that same stunt on him again. I tried showing and vocalizing my feelings about how that wouldn’t happen again.
CHANCE and I told each other EVERYTHING, or at least I thought so. Here we were, telling each other we loved each other, yet no title. Here goes the confusion! Once I asked him, “what are we? What are we doing?” He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, so friends it was. Yet, friends don’t find themselves being intimate. Now that I knew Chance was stern about his decision on “US”, you’d think I’d back off and go my separate way. NOPE! In my mind, I talked myself into believing that God sent him back into my life because just maybe we were meant to be. I didn’t want Chance thinking I was going to disappear again, so I dealt with the yo-yo “relationship.” Slowly, Chance started to change. He didn’t call like he used to, he stopped making time for me and he stopped being the charismatic guy I loved. Yet, somehow for my birthday, a year later, he made it special for me with flowers, a card, gifts and wine. Talk about an emotional roller coaster; it’s like he knew how to turn the switch on and off, just enough to keep me around. Who would have thought that the last time we’d be romantic with each other was that day; my birthday. I reached out here and there throughout our “whatever you call it” phase. I finally got the courage to ask him, “why the change?” He replied “I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you that I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want to hurt you.” BAM! in my face. I once thought it was KARMA that caught up to me, but it wasn’t. This man told me from the beginning that he did NOT want a relationship. Here I was thinking that I was different. I mean, he did tell me he wouldn’t treat me like the “others” that he hurt. Welp, so much for being different. For a few months, I felt dumb and ridiculed as if I was being laughed at by the universe; my heart was broken. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…. that’s for sure!
Lesson to be Learned
Learn from my mistake. When someone tells you what they DON’T want, believe them. Stop thinking you’re different and that you can change someone’s perception of love, life or even about yourself. Sometimes, we want to be the person to fix it all and that’s impossible. Stop settling for less and shoot for MORE! That saying ” if it comes back to you, it’s yours forever,” take it lightly. Sometimes people come back just so you can clear your conscience or to close that chapter that was never properly closed. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want what you want. There is no order on when love comes to you in life, so stop accepting excuses on why NOW isn’t a great time.
You are beautiful inside and out.